Comedy Breathers

Comedy Breather: 26 Reasons That You’re A Great Mom

May 14, 2017

What makes this especially funny is that it is true! Happy Mother’s Day to the modern miracle, our moms.

The below article was written by Stephanie Dolgoff for

Doesn’t it just kill you? Many of your most genius mom moves take place when there are no witnesses—except for your kids—so you never get that gratifying thumbs-up. Well, we’re here to say we know all the thankless wizardry you pull off (and all the meltdowns and messes that would have happened if you hadn’t!). And for all that you do, YOU RULE. Below, a list of just a fraction of the things you do for which you deserve a medal.

  1. You kept a 2-year-old occupied during a two-hour doctor’s-office wait with only your finger (mostly it was a puppet, but also a tickle monster).
  2. You were actually prepared for your kid’s low-blood-sugar moment.
  3. You thought to put the “leakproof” baby bottles in a plastic bag, just in case.
  4. You somehow came up with a 25-word, age-appropriate explanation for why Mr. Arf Arf is rubbing up against everyone’s leg.
  5. You managed not to clock the woman who lectured you about breastfeeding and high-fructose corn syrup while you were in line at CVS.
  6. You insisted your daughter at least try to pee before you left (and sure enough—traffic was tied up for hours).
  7. You made your son believe that his glasses would add to, not detract from, his coolness.
  8. You get dressed, work, and bring home green. Baby needs a new pair of, well, everything.
  9. You assembled a few extra booty bags for the moms who brought siblings to your kid’s party.
  10. Your husband came home to a dressed, sweet-smelling baby…but only after two diaper explosions and a dish of orzo worn as a beret.
  11. Another parent reported that your son was polite and well-behaved, a testament to your hammering home that whole manners thing.
  12. You got that. Stupid. Jelly. Jar. OPEN!!
  13. One concession (she can watch Wizards of Waverly Place) bought you an empty dishwasher, a swept porch, and her gratitude.
  14. Your kids don’t even know that Sour Patch candies exist.
  15. You overheard your daughter tell her friends, “You don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful.” Mom, 1; thin-obsessed culture-at-large, nada!
  16. You got Sharpie marks out of his new white shorts.
  17. You were so right about so many things but not once did you say to your husband, “I told you so.” (Okay, maybe once.)
  18. You bought two identical baby blankets in the event that one got lost (which it did).
  19. If you hadn’t remembered to go through his backpack at the start of Spring Break, that tuna-sandwich half would have been there until he went back to school.
  20. That magic “evil eye” necklace you picked up at the flea market has totally eradicated your son’s nightmares.
  21. In your honest, thorough, and exceedingly clinical explanation of how babies are made, you managed to completely turn your kids off to even the idea of sex (for now, anyway).
  22. You kept her home from a party when she didn’t clean up her toys and endured an hour of her shrieking about how hateful you are. But guess who now cleans up when she’s asked?
  23. Putting that old futon mattress on the floor of the playroom, where the kids jump from couch to couch, was your idea. Think of all the little skulls that weren’t fractured!
  24. You made a doctor’s appointment for her imaginary friend Leela, and her kitty, too.
  25. You signed her up for swimming lessons. Even though you have a pool phobia, you didn’t let it rub off on her.
  26. Whatever you did, it resulted in happy, kind children. That’s (mostly) you, baby.

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