Comedy Breathers

Comedy Breather: Hilarious Posts When Candid Parents Turn to Twitter

April 29, 2017

The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Simon Holland @simoncholland

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

*Sees burglar hiding in closet*

Me: Hey, mind if I hide in here with you? I need to get away from kids.

Parenting is pretty fun if you like spending Saturday afternoons being back seat driven by a 4 foot tall tyrant wearing plastic Pikachu ears

Me at 8am: “Oh, juice spill? That’s ok, kids. Love you.”

Me at 5pm: “If ONE MORE GODDAMN DROP OF JUICE spills, I’m burning the house down!”


Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

When school sends home the lice letter, they should accompany it with a blowtorch and a listing of all the local homes for sale

That moment when you realize the only bands you’ve heard in concert lately are your kids pretending to be bands in concert.

The Blair Witch Project, but it’s just my toddler ripping down the baby monitor, then sitting in the corner crying.

If I had a penny for every time I said, “He’s not a horse, he’s your brother” I could afford to buy an actual horse for her.

Me: Where is the library book?

Toddler: My dog ate it.

Me: We don’t have a dog.

My 7yo said “when I grow up, I’m gonna make the dad do all the laundry” and I believe the children are our future.


Walking into the store with my kids like:

Marriage with kids is mostly saying 1,2,3 not it!

The reason why a 2 parent system works so well is that one can take over yelling at the kids if the other gets winded

Naptime is better described as the eye of the hurricane.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon

“Wow, I’ve always wanted this.”

~ something my 3yo didn’t know existed 2 seconds ago


It doesn’t matter how loud you play it, John Denver’s Sunshine On My Shoulders will not drown out the fighting kids in your back seat.

After a lengthy deliberation, my 7yo told me it was ok for me to tell him to go to bed. Thanks, buddy.


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